My Road to Brain Surgery Begins with Hope

“Hope knows that if great trials are avoided great deeds remain undone and the possibility of growth into greatness of soul is aborted.” Brennan Manning, Abba’s Child: The Cry of the Heart for Intimate Belonging

     Hope. A meaningless word in today’s western society, much like love, because of technology and the desire for ultimate self preservation. “I hope you have a good day.” “We hope everything gets better.” It’s almost like a blasphemy of the word itself, making something as deep and powerful as hope commonplace. Hope has power. Hope has weight. Hope, in a way, is supernatural. It allows the person to look beyond their physical nature and condition and experience a feeling of solitude and peace that their physical condition cannot provide. Hope is accessing the divine.

     Four months ago I had no hope. Four months ago I was cut off from the divine. Four months ago I couldn’t see past my physical condition. It’s like wearing a space suit all of the time, disconnected from reality, unable to experience anything outside of your own self, the reality you’ve created in your mind. In my last post I talked about fear and I argued that what you don’t know can trap you in a permanent state of fear. After discovering that facing your fears was the key to getting past them, I knew that wallowing in my hopeless state was never going to make me stronger, both physically and mentally. Something had to change. Either I take the obvious route and defeat my physical ailment, thus defeating my fear, or the less popular one: change myself.

     In a postmodern world of narcissism and independence, change is like a cuss word. Sure politicians in recent times have claimed to be forerunners of change but let’s be honest, they’re not talking about themselves changing…just others. “You’re fine the way you are.” “Don’t change for anyone, just find the right person for you.” And my personal favorite, “God loves you the way you are…” leaving off the most important piece of truth about God’s love for us. I came to a point in my hopelessness where I was spending all of my time trying to find a way to change my situation to make my selfish life work the way I wanted it to. In the end the alternative seemed to be what my Heavenly Father had in mind: I had to change. “I do love you where you are, but I love you too much to keep you where you are.” Our Father does love us and care for us in the middle of our brokenness and life circumstances, but He doesn’t intend on leaving us there. If our circumstances need to change, than most likely we need to change as well.

     The hopelessness that I allowed to consume me was not because of my circumstances, but my selfish and sinful unwillingness to change who I am. Our triune God is eternal and never changing, but we are not eternal, ever changing and growing into better creatures. We get the glorious task of being image-bearers of The Father’s Son, Jesus Christ. He didn’t change the circumstances whenever faced with suffering and death on a cross. He didn’t seek to overthrow the powers at be whenever they gave their unjust judgment of death. Jesus faced his humanly fears head on and cried out for The Father to help him, “not my will but thine.” Sometimes having hope means changing yourself and not your circumstances.

     After numerous people have prayed for Jesus to miraculously heal me, I’m still having headaches, and I’m still scheduled for surgery Thursday Sept. 4th. It’s not that I doubt God’s power or that I intend to mock their prayers, it’s simply a matter of perspective: the greatest miracle Jesus ever did came after his death, not before. He endured all of the suffering that every human on earth would expect Him to avoid to prove a point. I will not put God in a box, but I intend on seeing this trial through to the end.

     True hope comes when everyone around you least expects it, and it carries you through the change to better and more glorious thoughts and actions. I have hope, because I trust that God knows what he’s doing despite my pain. Onward to brain surgery and the next obstacle Jesus has for me!