It’s Not The Pain That Hurts

“Mental pain is less dramatic than physical pain, but it is more common and also more hard to bear. The frequent attempt to conceal mental pain increases the burden: it is easier to say “My tooth is aching” than to say “My heart is broken.” C.S. Lewis, The Problem of Pain

When experiencing something like daily chronic headaches and tension and then having brain surgery, you would think that the pain would be unbearable. Well it is…sort of. Sure, they give you a morphine drip and all the valium and hydrocodone you need to get through the post-surgery agony, but that’s not what really hurts the most.

Cutting through the muscles and skin, then grinding out a hole in your skull, removing the membrane that keeps your brain safe, then sewing everything back up, the real pain, the pain that hurts the most, started long before surgery. All the ruined date nights with your wife when the only thing you could think about was that headache. Every missed opportunity when your baby learns something new and you’re lying on the couch with a bottle of aspirin in one hand and a pillow over your face to hide the tears because of how awful you feel. Yeah the pain is there, but it’s still not what you think.

Part of it is depression. Daily chronic pain can actually cause depression, even if you’re not likely to get it otherwise. It’s like feeling worthless, useless, of little or no value, regardless of who or what good things are in your life. I have a lot of sympathy for those struggling with depression now. Although my case has been unique and not as severe as others, I understand your struggle for self worth and I hope you find it.

Whereas depression is your struggle for self worth, a perception of yourself from the inside, the other side of the pain is external and social. In more severe cases it’s called social anxiety (SAD), but just like depression, I believe there’s a spectrum on which people can struggle with this issue.

Depression and social anxiety go hand in hand. If you’re depressed because of any number of issues (i.e. daily headaches), that causes you to have a negative self image, which then affects your social outlook. Because you’re depressed you fear what others think of you and how you’re performing. Whether it’s friends, family, work, church, it doesn’t matter. They’re all scrutinizing how well your life is going and the more depressed you get, the worse your social anxiety gets.

So you see, the most painful part is not what your physical body feels, it’s not how bad your headaches are, or even how deep the surgeon had to cut. The real pain is inside your own mind and heart. I stopped taking my pain meds less than two days after surgery. The physical pain is the easy part. In fact, I never really felt that bad. Sure there’s 20 stitches in the back of my head on top of another 50 inside my skull where she cut the bone out but again, that’s the easy part. I’ve learned how to block out the physical pain and I know now why my grandfather is so stubborn about his physical health. Refusing to stop working and walking on his own, even after falling multiple times and surviving melanoma cancer. He doesn’t care about the physical pain. It’s the life his physical pain causes him to miss that bothers him. He doesn’t want to miss out on life with those he loves. Focusing on the physical pain means missing life with those around him. In his mind, bearing a little physical pain means not missing even the little things one gets to experience with others.

What I thought this whole time, leading up to surgery at least, was God teaching me about pain and suffering, in the end has nothing to do with that. When we read about Jesus on the cross and the suffering and the ridicule, we immediately forget what he experienced before that: all of the sin and suffering of humanity that he saw, all of the judgement and hate his own people caused, the betrayal of his disciples the night before. For some reason, in our minds, Good Friday is all Jesus was focused on.

When Jesus cried out on the cross, “IT IS FINISHED!” I don’t think he was talking just about his physical suffering, but sin’s ultimate grip on his creation. This is deeper than the physical. It’s more redeeming than morphine, and it last longer than a headache can. Jesus endured a lifetime of physical and spiritual suffering for an eternity of physical AND spiritual peace.

My point is this: physical pain is only on the outside. Whether it’s you or someone you love, start now seeking the deeper things of life. Stop being distracted by external pain and focus on what really hurts. And if you don’t like me pushing you that way or you don’t agree with me just remember, I’ve had brain surgery…what’s your excuse.