“I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up all alone. It’s not. The worst thing in life is ending up with people who make you feel all alone.” – Robin Williams as Lance Clayton in World’s Greatest Dad (2009)
In the wake of the tragic passing of one of American entertainment’s greatest actor/comedians, this quote from World’s Greatest Dad I think accurately portrays the true reality of what humanity struggles with in our modern world. Lance distinguishes it for us perfectly; ending up alone is a fear of ours, but even greater is the fear that those around us don’t actually love and care for us like we want and need them too. Being in a crowded room and feeling alone can be far worse than being alone in a room by yourself. When your past mistakes, bad habits and addictions, or low self esteem constantly barrage your mind and heart with the words FAILURE…LOSER…LIAR, it doesn’t matter how many people are “there for you.” The fact that they don’t really know you and that you haven’t really let them inside your broken life will forever keep you in a state of loneliness.
Although I am a high-functioning, talkative, full of energy, type “A” personality, daily chronic pain caused even someone like me to experience deep loneliness. I would say that this past spring was bad enough that I could have been clinically diagnosed with depression. In fact, before I had an MRI and was diagnosed with Chiari Malformation, I thought I was going crazy and losing my mind. Whether depression or some sort of anxiety disorder, I was sure that stress and an overall sense of worthlessness had pushed me over the edge. A friend jokingly suggested that I blame seminary and the ridiculously high stress and workload of that level of education, but that’s not how Chiari works.
I was born with this condition. I’ve been walking around with Chiari for 27 years but I didn’t find out until a few months ago. That’s kind of a weird thing to think about. It makes you wonder how long cancer patients walk around with massive tumors before they’re officially diagnosed. Anyways, my Heavenly Father intended for me to deal with this from the beginning, and that includes the depression, anxiety, and worthlessness. Although I don’t believe that He likes me feeling this way about myself, I think it was necessary that I experience that level of loneliness in order to better appreciate my relationship with Jesus Christ. Before this medical struggle, my relationship with our Triune God was merely intellectual, academic, not much passion and soulful meaning there. But not anymore.
Although I despise depression and feeling lonely, I can now appreciate the struggle in a way that I never could before. When I meet someone after a Sunday morning church service and they open up about their pain and suffering, I can relate to their struggle, just like Jesus can relate to me and my struggle. Through my pain, my Father has given me a gift…compassion. I have desperately needed it from people around me and from heaven above, and it was shown to me in large quantities. Now I can give it freely to those that are hurting as well. I don’t wish that everyone go through what I and many others have suffered, but I would encourage you not to shy away from it either:
“More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” Romans 5:3-5
“Count it all joy, my brothers, when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.” James 1:2-4
All of that to say, my pain was not felt alone. My struggle in the end has not been lonely. My church has been a safe place to rest in. My family and friends have been more than helpful and comforting. My wife and daughter, oh my Lord, they have been the greatest earthly gift a man could receive. I thank Jesus almost every day for bringing them into my life. Katy, you’re amazing. I can’t tell you that enough.
My challenge for you, reader, is to start with one person. Find that one person you can talk to. Find that one person that you can be accountable with and grow in your faith with. Don’t do life by yourself because remember, it’s impossible to have a joyful and successful life all alone. In the end, humanity was designed to be together; through thick and thin, suffering and happiness, pain and joy.
Emergence of the Soul 
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