“For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.” 2 Corinthians 12:10 (ESV)
Only at the bottom of the pit, when life is at its darkest, can the greatest power in the universe be experienced. The strength that everyone desires, that’s greater than any power imaginable, cannot be earned or achieved through work. It can only be acquired as a gift, when the recipient is willing to let go of his or her own limited power. Paul understood this because of his own physical suffering in life. Although physical suffering is painful and mentally and spiritually exhausting, he understood that only Christ can offer strength that will never die out. This strength comes at a price, at times a very costly price.
MRI Results
I have Type 1 Chiari Malformation. I was born with it. Essentially, my skull did not grow enough in the back and so there’s not enough room for my brain stem, which is sticking 6.4mm below the base of my skull. It’s not supposed to do this. This is the cause of my headaches. I was born with a condition that I could not prevent. My headaches are not punishment for past sins, but the divine outworking of God before my life even began. I know that in my previous post I said that the cause of my headaches is the “monster within,” my old self rebelling against my new self. I still believe that struggle is there, but just like the disciples in John 9, I had to be schooled on the theology of sin and God’s sovereignty (follow up post next week). Up until Tuesday, when we talked to the doctor about my MRI results, I had convinced myself that I was depressed, stressed out, selfish, controlled by my fear and anxiety, destined to end up a failure.
Two weeks before Easter, the Spirit moved in me and I knew that I would wake up on Easter Sunday a changed person. I knew that God was going to rid me of this pain and suffering, heal my spiritual blindness. I woke up Easter Sunday morning and had the worst headache of my life. On a scale of 0-10 (0 being normal and 10 being, “take me to the ER”) I was at an 8 or 9 most of the day. We went to lunch at Katy’s grandparents’ house, and I laid on the floor for 3 hours. My parents were there with us, and I laid there and cried as I talked to my mom for a while. I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t handle the daily pain and suffering. And it wasn’t just me that suffered, Katy was suffering because of my pain, and my youth at church were not getting the full Matt Bailey, only a beat up and pitiful version of him.
I wanted so bad for all of it to just go away, forever. “I believe, help my unbelief.” I fell asleep around 2:30 that afternoon, headache still there. I awoke an hour later and it was gone. That usually happens. I have a massive headache, I sleep it off or rest and it goes away for a while. But this time, it stayed away. I felt great all night and the next day. Two weeks later and I still haven’t had the daily pain that I was experiencing before that Sunday. Am I cured? Is my condition gone forever? No. I got the MRI after that day and I will now be meeting with a neurosurgeon about what to do next. My journey to physical healing is just beginning, but the internal torment of my old self rebelling against my new self is over for now, or at least this battle is won.
God knew all along that I needed this experience. In order for me to reach the next stage of my life and spiritual growth, it was necessary for me to have headaches. Before my life in Fort Worth began, he created me with a condition that would lie dormant most of my life until 2 years ago. He knew that when my monster would begin to rebel I would need this condition to humble me and set me on the right path. This condition in a sense has healed me, spiritually. Remember my mindset just a year ago: perfect family, great job, seminary education from a very respectable (and difficult) school, sounds like I had finally “arrived.”
A Hard Lesson
Just when I was convinced that life was as it should be, God steps in. Yes, I believe God loves us where we are in life, but He loves us enough that He doesn’t want us to stay where we are. You and I can sit down and talk about our life for hours, share stories of past sin and evil thoughts, and I’ll love you as you are and not judge or hate, but I can’t let you stay there. I love you too much to let you continue making the same mistakes. When someone says, “let me go, I’m too far gone for you to worry about me.” I look at them in the eyes and defiantly tell them, “NO!” If God loved me enough to help me, then I know that He can love you as well.
One of the most difficult things about Jesus that I’ve ever had to learn, is not what He says about Himself: the Son of Man, God in the flesh, King of kings, and Lord of lords, but what He says to me and you. “I believe in you, Matt. I believe that you can follow me, and be like me. I love you too much to see you continue living a sinful life. So I’m going to give up my own life so that you can keep yours.” Jesus believes in me. He loves me. He believes in you and loves you as well. He cares for you, even when no one else does. He listens to you, when no one else will.
My struggle is far from over but the hard part is done. I was actually happy when the doctor told me I was born with a Chiari Malformation. The fear of the unknown was finally over and the road to recovery and healing could begin. The lesson I had to learn the most, before God would lead me to recovery, was 2 Cor. 12:10, “For when I am weak, then I am strong.” God knew I had to be broken, to the core of my humanity, in order for to continue following Jesus. This is a pivotal stage in my life as a Christian. This is the crossing over from one type of life to the next. God knew before time began that He would use me for some purpose beyond my understanding, and now I truly believe that.
So I conclude this series with a question: what about you? Are you letting your monster control your thoughts and actions? Are you a slave to your own sin and suffering or do you believe in the power of Jesus. Are you still so arrogant to believe that God doesn’t love you or that no one cares about you? If you don’t believe in a God, what will it take for you to let go of your stubbornness and accept that there’s more to life than what’s in front of your face? Can you honestly say that this all there is? For those you who believe in another god, practicing another religion, do you have a Savior that loves you enough to heal you, or are you destined to spend an eternity “fixing” yourself? Just asking.
Next week I’ll go into more detail about John 9 and 2 Cor. 12:10, the passages of scripture that helped me come to these conclusions.
Emergence of the Soul 
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